Drunks I Have Served…

There comes a time in every bartenders career when you are forced to give a guest the ole Heave-ho! Cutting a customer off who has reached their limit is always a stressful experience. In the last thirty years, I have seen just about every incarnation of those who have failed to drink responsibly- from the happy drunk, the talkative drunk, the flirty drunk, the loud drunk, the sleepy drunk, the verbally abusive drunk and the most feared of all… the violent drunk.

It forever amazes me that bartenders who actively over-serve their guests, become indignant when the guest behaves poorly. Worse is the bartender who treats their inebriated source of income with distain or actively embarrasses them while kicking them out the door. If you truly embrace the philosophy that the customer should be treated like a guest in your own home, what kind of jerk ridicules a house guest, takes their money and then yells at them to “…get the hell out and don’t come back!”

Make no mistake, if someone becomes verbally or physically abusive to you or your fellow staff, all bets are off. Just like a drunk behind the wheel of a car, they must ultimately take responsibility for their actions. However, the bartender must never forget that we have both an ethical and legal responsibility to make sure that the guest leave the establishment in a relatively sober state of mind.

Here are some tips that I have gathered over the years for cutting a guest off:

1) DIVIDE AND CONQUOR- Not all bartenders have the luxury of having a manager on duty throughout their shift. However, if you have one in the house, take advantage. It is a sign of strength to ask for help, plus it is actually the managers job to deal with guest issues. They may give you grief at a later time if they feel you over served, but a good manager will discreetly isolate the guest, have them pay their check and get them to leave without embarrassing them or drawing attention to the other guests.

The object is to get a drunk to step away from the bar where the manager can chat with them in relative privacy. A good bartender will brief a manager on an unruly guest and then act as a distraction to the other guests so as not to draw attention.

2) KILL THEM WITH (GUINUINE) KINDNESS- The key to handling any drunk is to AVOID confrontation. When cutting someone off, rather than bluntly point our that they are drunk, chum up to them by DISCREETLY asking them if they would like a cup of coffee on the house. Most drunks instantly sober up at this question. It is a universally accepted, non-confrontational, accusation. They will often ask you directly (in shhh-hushed tones) if they are acting a little drunk. The best response is to GUINUINELY smile, lean in close and whisper right back that they are fine, but that you are looking out for them and just want to make sure that they get home safe.

With out accusing them of anything, they will almost always infer that they are drunk and that it’s time for them to go home. All you did was be hospitable and offer them a hot cup of Joe. If you ask in a sarcastic or irritated tone, be prepared for a snarky retort that can quickly escalate. GUINUNE kindness is the key (even if you’re seething on the inside). Many bartenders are stirring for a confrontation when a guest is being an ass… if so, they are in the wrong business.

3) HYDRATION IS THE KEY- If an intoxicated guest orders another round and you don’t feel comfortable serving them… don’t. It is actually the law. No manager or owner can fire a bartender for refusing to over-serve a guest. Still, if you are in that predicament, some diplomacy is still called for. If a manager green lights another round, a bartender should make the drink and serve it to the manager with a tray and POLITELY request that they serve it to the guest. Good managers will always trust the bartenders opinion, a bad manager will think twice about asking you in the future when the guest they serve staggers out the door and they realize that they just assumed the liability.

If you can’t 86 a guest or they just aren’t getting the hint, take their order and serve them a glass of water instead. Water DOES NOT make you sober faster, it just buys you time. When the guest inevitably asks “what’s this?” Lean in and, with a friendly demeanor, tell them that they looked thirsty and you just wanted to make sure they feel as good in the morning as they do right now. Again, presenting yourself as the good guy who is simply looking out for their best interest. Most, drunks will thank you outright and even shake your hand. More often than not, they never get around to buying that last drink and in rare cases, they will wait enough time that your feel comfortable serving them one more. Serving a guest water is a hint, not a statement or an accusation. Non confrontation is the key.

4) NEVER TOUCH A GUEST- Ever! In all my years as a bartender, I only once physically manhandled a guest out the door. Two guests had gotten into an escalating yelling match when I interceded and separated them. I made eye contact with the lesser drunk and he quickly understood to sit back down and that I would take care of the problem. I then politely escorted the first back to his table on the other side of the bar and in a calm reassuring voice suggested that he should let the incident go, stay on this side of the bar and enjoy the evening with his friends. As got back behind the bar, I could see him making animated gestures from his seat when he suddenly stood up and marched back towards his nemesis. Without hesitating I jumped over the bar and locked his arms behind his back before he could blindside the other guest. I marched him to the door (with the manager and other bartenders in tow) and once outside, we collectively 86’d him for life.

Even though that incident worked out for the best, I made three critical mistakes in that scenario, any one of which could have cost me or the bar the liquor license, a major lawsuit or worse. First, I should have informed a manager and cut him off at the first signs of aggression. Second, I unleashed an angry drunk upon the city. He may have gotten behind the wheel of a car, picked a fight in a neighboring bar or gotten a weapon and come back to finish what he started. The third and most dangerous of all was that I physically laid hands on the man. If he woke up the next day with a sore neck, he could easily have sued and won. A good lawyer would have blamed me for over serving and then crippling his client. Juries are not often sympathetic to drunks unless they feel that the establishment was negligent to begin with.

In the many years since that night, I have had plenty of aggressive drunks pass through wherever I happened to be working. Yet, since that day, I never touched a guest without their permission and I have never had an argument blow up into a full blown fist fight. Many bartenders reading this might well say that I have been lucky and that these things happen beyond the bartenders control. I suggest to them, that there was absolutely no luck involved. I was prepared, alert, anticipated trouble and took active steps to diffuse situations before they escalated out of control.

5) WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS- CALL THE COPS! It really is the last resort… but that does not mean that you wait until an incident has happened before calling the fuzz. It is far, far better to call the boys in blue and then calm a situation down than to have a fight break out and by the time the police arrive. the offenders are long gone or you need to make a second call for an ambulance. If you announce the police have been called people tend to calm down pretty quick. If the incident abates and the police show up… thank them kindly and offer to buy them a drink when their off duty.

Unless a situation has spiraled completely out of control, try to meet the cops at your doorstep so that you can brief them on the good guys vs. the bad guys and then ask them to segregate offender if possible. No bar owner wants their patrons escorted out of thier bar in handcuffs. The police are professionals, but they are NOT in the customer service industry. Most drunks sober up pretty fast when the police walk in, but those that don’t usually find themselves waking up in the drunk tank.

6) DON’T OVERSERVE TO BEGIN WITH- Often a guest will walk into an establishment having already tied 2 or 5 on. Every time a guest requests a drink (whether you’ve served them previously or not) the smart bartender is looking for the tell tale signs that the guest needs to take a break. Are their eyes glassy? Their speech slurred? Are they overly loud or animated? If you decide they’ve had enough, don’t second guess yourself and don’t serve them one more and tell them that it’s the last one.

I once had a stranger walk into my bar and order a scotch and soda. He seemed perfectly sober to me until I put the drink in front of him. He asked where the bathroom was and suddenly his speech was remarkably slurred and he was wobbling. I immediately removed his untouched drink and directed him to the bathroom. He staggered off the barstool, walked in completely the opposite direction and when he couldn’t figure out how to push open the front door that needed to be pulled open, he rested his head on the wall and peed right there on the floor.

I ran over to open the door for him and as he pushed at the now open door one more time, he staggered forward, fell down and cut his head open on the curb. As a former EMT, I called 911 and stayed with him till the ambulance and police arrived. I was worried the police would be a little skeptical of my version of events. However, another guest had witnessed the entire event and repeated the same version. Had he had even one sip from the drink I served, I would have been personally liable for his fall and the bar owner could have been successfully sued. Lesson learned!

7) ELIMINATE BUYBACKS- “Wha-what!!” Says every pub bartender reading this. “But that’s my bread and butter!”. Right… it is. If you are a lazy or apathetic bartender. The practice of buying a third drink for a guest who has purchased two is remarkably unintelligent. I’ve worked in beer pubs, high volume tourist traps, stuffy hotel bars and ultra fine dining. Any bartender who argues that buybacks are essential to “keeping his regulars happy” may be right, but at what cost?

Any bar owner that supports buybacks is a plain flat outright idiot. Buybacks are terrible for three reasons. One, if you buy every third drink for a guest, you are literally GIVING away 33% of your inventory… for free!! The ONLY person who MIGHT see a return on that investment is the bartender, IF the drunk patron remembers to tip on top of the base check.

Two, if you offer excellent customer service and great quality drinks… the people will come. You don’t want the penny pinching drunks who come exclusively to your bar because they know they can get hammered for cheap. It’s a lose-lose scenario. Not to mention it drives away the good paying customers who are repulsed at the riff-raff stinking up the joint.

Three and most important… you are encouraging people to drink beyond their means. Everyone likes a bargain, but if I’m on the cusp of my drinking limit and you tell me that I can get two more drinks for the price of one… SERIOUSLY?

BTW, to my bartender brethren. Buybacks are essentially stealing. Even if the manager allows it, I bet the owner doesn’t. And the few stupid owner who do, you are not only taking advantage of their incompetence, you are endangering your own your livelihood, the owners bar and the life of your guest. Most states have outlawed such idiotic practices. My advice, instead of being a bad lazy bartender who must rely getting your guests drunk for your tips, try making a better drink or offering better service. Yes, that does mean your job will be a little harder, but way more satisfying.

The “regulars” you lose will be those losers your can’t stand anyhow and the quality of your tips will actually be much higher. Plus, you can sleep at night with a sense of professional pride. Good bartenders do things right and refuse to cut corners. Sometimes that goes unrewarded, but you know as well as I, that for every cheap drunk there is a generous one. The bad bartenders try to pick and choose the good ones don’t have too.

Agree? Disagree? Share your drunk stories with me and I may use your story in a future book. Know your limits and DRINK RESPONSIBLY!!

What’s in a Cocktail’s Name?

I am often asked to review and revise cocktail lists for my clients when their sales are down. Often, their antiquated recipes are pedestrian, don’t use fresh ingredients or are simply out of balance. There is, however, another factor that is often overlooked and can directly translate to the death of a cocktail… its name.
A deliciously beautiful forest green cocktail will never get ordered if named: Swamp Thing, Frog Slime or Dr. Maniacal’s Corrosively Poisonous Potion. Here are some simple rules to keep in mind when naming a cocktail:

1) BE ORIGINAL- As a general rule, don’t add the letters –tini, –rita or –politan to the end of your names. Chocolatinis, Rosearitas or Pepperpolitans are boring names that don’t promise anything more than the use of a specific base spirit married with a specific flavor profile. If the name lacks creativity, the guest expects the recipe to lack creativity as well.

2) KEEP IT SIMPLE- A cocktail should be a one, two or three word name. The shorter the better. The name should flow off the tongue and be easy to pronounce. Using a word of foreign origin is ok, but only if the guest is able to say the word without being corrected or feeling foolish.

3) KEEP IT CLEAN- During the 70’s and 80’s cocktails were vulgar things and therefore often had vulgar names. Slippery Nipples, Slow Comfortable Screws and Texas Mother F***ers somehow found their way into the mainstream vernacular. Yet today’s guests want to discover that cool new delicious creation that they can share with their friends. They want to be able to say the name without blushing.

4) COPYRIGHTS- You can’t copyright a recipe; however you can trademark a name. When naming a cocktail, it is important not to infringe on someone else’s copyright. For example, it is a bad idea to call your cocktail BEETLEJUICE or THE TERMINATOR. These names run the risk of a “cease and desist” order or a lawsuit from a major corporation.

5) MAKE IT RELEVENT- If you are stuck for the name of an original recipe, it is always a good idea to consider a name that is relevant to the ingredients, venue, location, geography or theme of the place where it’s being served. When I first starting making my own tonic water at PER SE restaurant, I was stuck for a name that was relevant but couldn’t be confused for a classic Gin & Tonic. Ultimately I settled on a name that alluded to both: A Tonic with Gin Per Se.

6) TELL A STORY- The name of a good cocktail should be a conversation starter. If the name references a person or a place, there should be a reason. Play to people’s intelligence and they will feel proud to have figured out a name without an explanation. If the name you select is a little too esoteric or cerebral then you have a great story to tell if asked.

7) FIND THE HUMOR- Using humor in a cocktail name is a great way to draw a quick smile and relax a guest before ordering. A subtle pun or a deliberate misspelling is a great way to raise an eyebrow and get a guest to order out of sheer curiosity. Cocktail names like CAN’T ELOPE (with Cantaloupe juice) or LOVE, DRUNK, PUNCH is not only fun but can generate press and publicity. The media loves to write about cocktails with clever name. Make sure that any humorous references have universal appeal. It is a mistake to name a cocktail after an inside joke.

8) MAKE IT TIMELESS- If you have a fantastic recipe; find a name that will stand the test of time. Be careful about naming a cocktail based on a modern pop culture reference. After all other considerations, I like to step back from the name and consider if it will still be relevant in 100 years.

So the next time you create a potent potable and you are inclined to name it after your favorite drunken uncle’s lewdest joke, just remember the industry is changing. If you want people to take your craft seriously, you must at least take it seriously yourself. Ultimately you’ll find yourself asking, when it comes to naming a great cocktail… What’s NOT in a Name?

A toasty Ho Ho no no!

The season is upon us. Mulled Wine, Buttered Rum & Spice Cider… yum! Who doesn’t love a nice Hot Toddy in front of a blazing fire? Come to think of it… I don’t. Sure, I love inhaling burning carcinogens and singeing my eyebrows as much as the next guy, but when it comes to hot cocktails, I need to blow off some steam. Here are some tips when making a great hot cocktail:

1) LOSE THE BOOZE- Ever wonder why that first sip of a great gin martini is so much better than the last? The warmer our spirits are, the more aggressive the ethanol is perceived on the palate. We can usually use half as much distilled spirit in a hot cocktail as we would in the colder version of the same drink.

2) SWEET IS NEAT- It goes against the nature of a mixologist to make a cocktail that is too sweet. However, when it comes to hot cocktails, a little sweeter makes sense. People tend to nurse a hot drink between sips until it cools down. This allows the palate to reset so that every sip is like the first. Be careful though, you don’t want thick and syrupy.

3) THINK THIN- The biggest mistake every beginning bartender learns the hard way is that the thicker the glass, the easier it cracks when you add hot liquids. As the thicker glass heats up on the inside of the glass it expands, the outside is still cool and can’t compensate for the rapid expansion… crack! Ultra thin, delicate glassware is the best. Careful though, a thin glass with a stem is best if you want to avoid burning your fingers.

4) WAVE GOODBYE- Avoid using microwaves when possible. If you have to use a microwave, make sure to stir evenly and thoroughly after heating. Microwaves can be problematic and do not heat evenly. Cooking in a sauté pan is ideal over a low heat till you reach a simmer. Only add the alcohol to the mixers after they have been heated.

5) NOT 2 HOT- How disappointing is it to get a great tasting balanced hot cocktail only to burn the roof of your mouth on the first sip. Be sure to avoid making your cocktails too hot. Especially if you are using fat like butter or milk, they take longer to cool down. An ideal temperature should be between 130 to 160 degrees Fahrenheit.

Here is a hot cocktail recipe that I created at PER SE. Chef Eric Ripert from Le Bernadine called me from behind the bar to learn the recipe. Try this one for the holidays and ENJOY!

HOT BUTTERED CHESTNUT RUM:
1 Tbl Spoon Salted Butter
1 Tsp Chestnut Paste (or Almond Paste)
1 Tbl Brown Sugar
½ Tsp Cinnamon
½ Tsp Confectionary Vanilla Extract
½ oz. Zacapa 23 Yr Solera Rum
1 oz. Steamed Half and Half
3 Dashes of All Spice Bitters

Glassware: Demitasse Cup or Small Fine China Tea Cup
Garnish: A Dusting of Freshly Ground Nutmeg over Steamed Foam
Method: Put all liquid ingredients into sauté pan and simmer above a low heat until butter is fully melted. Add spices to rum and dry shake (no ice) vigorously in cocktail shaker. Pour Rum into glassware and add liquid. Stir ingredients together with demitasse spoon. Top with steamed Half and Half foam and dust with Fresh Nutmeg. Serve.

For more recipes check out this CBS segment on my site under WARM WINTER COCKTAILS:

PRESS

Happy Holidays!!